About 2 months ago, I wrote about the sudden change in the dynamic of my life called post-grad crisis. Now that life is settling a little bit and I've found my bearings a little more, I wanted to to speak out more about what I've been learning and how I've been growing. Why? Because if I don't write about it'll all just be in my head and that's never really good, is it? Also, it's always good to reflect on things, especially when things are hard/in transition. -Again, I really just want to preface that these are my experiences and where my head is at right now. Basically, please don't yuck my yum.-
- Sometimes it's okay to settle in your career--for now I feel like I'm going to get harped on this, but again this is just from what I've been experiencing as of late. We all have this career dream. Mine? I wanted to work in a digital creative company that will allow me to write, take photos and creative videos, and basically be creative and share it to the world (ahem, Buzzfeed, lol). In reality, I work at an office answering phones and handling the work lives of other people. Obviously I'm not in the career that I want to be in, and for awhile I started resenting myself for choosing this decision. But what I had to remember is that right after college I still felt lost. I was going through a huge life event, and I needed something to ground me for awhile. That led to my decision of staying where I'm at and continue to learn more about this new, scary chapter I'm in. Yes, I do still have bouts of "what ifs" and little seeds of jealousy of people who are already doing things that they love. But me settling may have been the healthiest decision I've ever done. If I was able to get my dream job right now, I know I'm not in the right headspace to excel and shine. Right now I'm learning so much about myself and getting experiences that will help me in the future. I'm learning so much about people and how things work, even if it's at a field that I'm not as passionate in. HOWEVER. That doesn't mean that I've put my dream on hold. I'm still writing, taking photos, creating content as much as I can. While I may feel like I'm settling, my sights are still on my original goals.
- You won't live forever, no matter what science tells you. Mortality is something that I've come to realize in such a harsh way this year. My mother passed from breast cancer this April, and a grief that huge really makes you think certain things. Now I'm not out of the woods with my grief just yet, but one of the things that I really began to consider was my mortality. Am I putting the right things in my body, am I loving my body in a way that it will love me back, questions like that really begin to flood your mind after such a loss. I am still not the healthiest person. Presently I have some health hurdles that I need to cross, and I'm not the fittest person in my group of friends. But I do take the stairs instead of the elevator, I go to yoga whenever I can, I do try to buy food that is fresh and sustainable and I always remind myself that I was blessed with one body and I need to take care of it.
- Your mind is just as important as your body. This is something that I personally battle with every day. Every day is a very anxiety-driven day for me. I've been on my own since August, and I've never really had a day that I never worried about something. There's always something that needed to be freaked out over. But very recently I've realized that my anxious thoughts about...everything really, it's transcended so much negatively not just in my words and actions, but in my overall physical health as well. I knew that in order to live a fulfilling adult life, I needed to consciously train my mind to think better in order be better. What I've done just...yesterday really, is to let the negativity in just for a second, but be consciously aware of that very negative feeling. I literally breathed in paper bag. But I what I kept telling myself was that for every bad feeling, there will be a positive feeling. As an adult, there will be a lot of things that will give me more anxiety and stress. If I want to live a life that is both fulfilling and healthy, I would need to find ways to cope with that. It's a roller coaster, definitely. I admit I still have more bad days than good, but I praise God for giving me those good days because the hope is that one day it won't be that way anymore.
- All relationship dynamics will change pretty dramatically. I think one thing about being an adult is that as people, we're all coming into our own lives in pretty different levels. Some of us would've gone home and stayed with family, some of us might've continued schooling or traveled abroad. I feel like I kinda took the harder route, where I'm far away from home and started working right away. That really affected my relationship with others, whether it be my friends or my partner. It took me awhile to realize that everyone isn't in an equal playing field anymore like in high school or college, so everyone's reactions to things will be different as well. I think that misunderstandings and miscommunications are at an all time high around this time because everyone wants to be understood, heard & wanted, and sometimes it affects your relationships with others if that need goes overboard. I know for me it did. It's a very very hard transition, and I'm still right at the thick of it with all of my relationships. But what I've realized is that now that I'm reaching adulthood, I feel like it really sifts through who will be the friends that you'll invite to your wedding vs. who will be the friends that you'll just bump into at Target. The amount of friends that I have in social media is not the same amount of people that I text on my phone, and I have to try and be ok with that.
- You have to get used to being by yourself Someone recently told me in passing that I looked so independent and so put together living on my own. That kind of took me aback because in reality, I really...really have a hard time with this one. While I consider myself an introvert, I am also a notorious creature of habit. During college, I was pretty much surrounded by the same group of people 24/7 all day err day. After graduation, there was a very dramatic shift in dynamic in my life that forced me to be on my own pretty much all the time. At first I was okay with it, but eventually I felt very isolated, lonely and pretty jealous of folks that were able to keep their friend groups and other relationships intact. I admit I spiraled down to a pretty dark place because I thought that no one wanted to be with me, or that I didn't deserve anyone's company, which led to a lot of issues that would surpass this post. However, I am seeing the light a little bit. I'm pretty much on my own at this point, and that rewards me with some points of independence. I don't really rely on my Dad & my sister financially as much (they do still pay for a few things), which means I pay for almost everything. I live on my own, and I'm in the process of getting some wheels to make me more mobile. It forced me to really see that there are some good things to look forward to by myself.
- You learn to find things to love & care about yourself I don't love myself very much, or at least as often as I would want. I'm really open about now because it's a hard truth that I deal with all the time. Being an adult and being by myself all the time has really forced me to think of things that are good about myself and run with it. I still have those days and they're pretty crippling, but like what I said above, my hope is that one day there will be more good days than bad, and to give the good days more credit than the bad.
This was a lot more than I anticipated and it took me way longer than I thought, but this was a great reflection of the past months for me. I hope that somehow this helps..anybody really, and if it does (or doesn't, I'll try to brave through the negativity), please let me know!